Wicked Ways

Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts:

And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

Psalm 139:23-24

This describes the last 6 months or so, perfectly. And it makes me mad. I want everyone else to change, especially in response to my actions. I want to know they value me like I value them. But if that is my reason for loving and honoring others, then it is wicked. It is manipulative, and it is the road that leads to bitterness.

I am more and more amazed at how Jesus makes the point that it is the motivations that God focuses on. WHY are you doing this? seems to be the question, and I find it searching my heart, and revealing some rather ugly facts about me. The fact that I only love and respect others in order to get love and respect. How revolting.

I hate Christianity, it calls me to be a better person, it demands I love and honor and respect others never expecting it in return. This is even more galling to me when I have to deal with people who seem to give me no thought at all.

In it all, I think God is asking me: Am I ~ alone ~ enough for thee?

And He isn't, not yet.

Amen.

Value Subtracted

Are you not much more valuable than they?

Matthew 6:26

This verse hit me the other day. I had never thought that some of my problem is the fact that I do not really believe I am valuable. That I have value. At least to those beyond my very immediate family (ie Mom and Dad). I struggle with this thought even with my wife.

In college my favorite word was "iconoclast". Which is idol crusher. I was going to prove to others they had a reason to hate me. And I was successful.

For the last 2 years God has been crushing my idol of selfworship. He's shown me that what I wanted from others was not grounded in Reality. People do value me, just not in the way I want.

Idols are not idle, they die hard.

Amen.

Will He or Won't He?

Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.  

Luke 22:42

I have been wondering about God's will lately. It seems that the more I live the more I start to think that what Christians call "Gods will" is just a fancy way of saying what the French say: C'est La Vie ~ "What will be, will be", or more crudely "Sh!t happens!".

For a long time that would have been very hard to take, because I think God is King. But I have realized he is not a Tyrant King imposing his will, that is not him. If you have any doubt, look at Jesus.

Then it occurred to me that perhaps what God wills is not what God wants either. That perhaps God's will and want are towo different things. God may not wanted Jesus to suffer, but it was what had to happen in order for the people on this planet to avoid the Final Sentence of Death.

I don't know, and yet, this idea explains to me better the purpose of prayer. According to Strong's Concordance one of the words defined as "prayer" in english, can mean "to rub down" or sand. Like in a carpenters shop.

And I like that idea of prayer. One that acknowledges that much of life is out of our control and yet we are not consumed by it, but rather, as co-creators with God, we take the darkness and make light. Out of the loss, the hurt, the pain, we bring forth works of joy, love, and truth.

Amen.

Talk the Talk

Come. Sit down. Let’s argue this out.

Isaiah 1:18

I read a book about dialogue called "Why Can't We Talk" by John Backman. It was a quick read, partly because I had been thinking about many of the topics it covered: namely valuing another person and showing it. 

In fact from the moment I read the book, all the way to the end, the verse from the Bible that came to my mind was this one from Isaiah. In King James version it is : Come let us reason together. I like this softer approach because argument in our culture is quite vitriolic and I do not think God wants us just yelling at him. Surely there is a time for that, but not always.

In other words God wants to talk. He wants to hear our thoughts, and ideas. No matter what. Because he values us (ie respect).

Then curious me I wanted to know what the words meant in their original language. I was surprised to note that the word translated "come" in our language has among its meanings: the way you live your life: your lifestyle.

I thought it was interesting that perhaps God wants us to make a lifestyle out of talking, valuing, and loving others enough to talk with them and learn about them.

Amen.

Watch and Pray

Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation

Matthew 26:41

For the past few months the story of Job has really been pressing upon me. At first the first chapter. Then the ensuing chapters as Job and his "Friends" wrestle with what was happening and more importantly WHY it was happening.

The "why" part totally put them out of their element. They were all wrong. They knew nothing about why. They were familiar with the what; the facts of the case, but the motives they were blind to, in fact they were totally wrong about WHY this was happening to Job.

I think this is what God even directly implies this when he replies to Job:

Why do you confuse the issue? Why do you talk without knowing what you’re talking about? Job 38:1

And yet how often, in far less dire circumstances do I do this very thing: try and figure out why something is happening, or more importantly why someone is doing something. Almost all the time. I am not comfortable with not knowing why. I want to draw conclusions from what I know.

In fact I think that most of my problems in relationships stem from this very issue. How many times have I fought with my wife NOT over what she did, but why she did it. And how many times have I been wrong? Most of them.

I think that Jesus' advice is pertinent to this issue, perhaps the best way to deal with "why" things happen. Perhaps the only way to even get the slightest idea of what is going on - or gain the slimmest glimpse into another person's world -  is to watch and pray. In this way we may avoid temptation and sin.

Amen.

Respect

I paid a huge price for you: all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in!
That’s how much you mean to me! That’s how much I love you!

Isaiah 43:4

This word is still on my mind: Respect. It seems the fundamental problem in my life, and it is certainly a problem at my job. The Staff has to routinely talk to the children we take care of about respect for things and each other.

We used the word so much it seems to have no meaning. Then I read the dictionary definition of respect, and then I found God talking about it. I had never thought the bible talked much about it. And yet right in Isaiah (and elsewhere) he does.

Its about valuing something or someone. Or at the very least acknowledging their value.

That made me think of respect in a whole new way, one that was far more practical. For example, I readily cast blame on others. Its kind of my thing. On the doctor for not knowing how to diagnose, on past bosses for being uncaring, or on my wife for anything really.

But one day I was prompted to look up blaming on the internet, because it seemed inherently disrespectful for some reason. One the Wikipedia page for Blame it says this:  Blaming is also a way of devaluing others. 

This stopped me in my tracks. This is not valuing others, this is not showing them (especially my wife) how much they mean to me, this is vicious. We get mad at China for their currency manipulation, but show little regard for the fact that Blaming is currency manipulation of the worst sort: it devalues another person. A person who is the very image of God. Everyone of us is, whether or not we take the name of Jesus.

Amen.

Advantage: Them

no one should wrong or take advantage of a brother or sister.

1 Thessalonians 4:6

I heard this verse (and hadn't really heard it before) in a podcast about Lust. The full text, if you read it says: In this matter (of sexual immorality; ie Lust) no one should wrong or take advantage of a brother or sister. So if I just wanted to obey the letter of the "Law" I would just worry about Lust.

But it seems to me Christianity is about everything. In everything no one should wrong....a brother or sister. I like this because it seems the gospel to me: self sacrificing love for another. Putting someone else's needs above your own.

Of course that could make a person a doormat for others, but I don't think it has to be that way. Long suffering and kindness may seem like that on the outside, but they are the virtues of the Kingdom of God.

Amen.

Man and Wife

Therefore a man leaves his father and mother and embraces his wife. They become one flesh

Genesis 2:24

My wife and I are reading a book about marriage. We are about to go to marriage counseling. It is scary to think about for me because marriage is a gamble, like just about everything else in life. Will it work? What does it mean when it "works"?

Who knows?

I think God does. I think He knows that each of us longs for companionship and support. I think He knows we are all very lonely. Life on this planet (and no doubt sin) made us this way.

But marriage is often not a place of comfort, companionship and support. Often it is just a war with the other person who you really just want to live with in peace and safety.  You desperately trying to get those needs met while trying to fill the other persons needs. It is weird.

And I think one of the most human things we do.

Amen.

FAIL

if you forgive other people their failures

Matthew 6:14

The other day I was upset at my co-workers for not asking me if I wanted anything for lunch. I started to come up with all kinds of paranoid reasons for their actions. Then I happened to read the entire chapter of Matthew 6 in the translation of the Bible we use for bible study.

Part of that chapter includes the Lord's Prayer, and a translation of Sin I had never seen. Instead of SIN the word is simply translated "failures".

That gave me pause, and made me think about how I often fail to do things. It cast sin in a new light, not as some giant scary thing we all do, to a more mundane thing, one of everyday life, and simple failure.

From the terror of ultimate evil to the failure to get the right bread at the grocery store, the failure to fill up the gas tank, or even the failure to ask a co-worker if he wants to order lunch.

And realizing that sin can also be a simple failure to do something, it made it simpler to forgive.

Amen.

Motivation

the truth will set you free

John 8:32

I always thought this was a Truth with a capital "T". About the big things, and after yesterday, I am wondering if it is less about universal truth's and more about the truth about Darrel.

You see, I have been struggling with Job 1 for the last 2 or so months. In that first chapter God tells satan that Job respects him, and Satan counters with the thought that Job only does so because of God's deep care for him. God lets Satan test that hypothesis.

I knew this was something I needed to know, that there was some heart work for me to do. And yesterday after being ignored at work, this verse came to my mind.

Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them

Matthew 6:1

God opened my mind to the fact that I was seeking the praise of others: my bosses, my coworkers, my friends. He laid bare my motivations, and they were not pure.

Of course I doubt anyone could have seen this. I don't think my hypocrisy (what Jesus calls those who do the above) was obvious to any of them. But that isn't the point, it was obvious to God, and He made it obvious to me. Like a doctor finding the right diagnosis I could say very confidently: "The symptoms fit the disease!" And I felt the burden of months fall away.

And this should not have surprised me, God isn't so worried about our outward actions, what is important to Him is not so much What we do but Why. Here the word of the Lord:

if I don’t have love, I am nothing ~ 1 Corinthians 13

People are made wrong by what comes from inside them ~ Mark 7:15

The Truth has set me free, and that truth is about me, as horrible as it is.

Amen.

Beneath the Surface

This means that our knowledge of men can no longer be based on their outward lives

2 Corinthians 5:16

There are no ordinary people. ~ CS Lewis

These statements seem quite inclusive, yet in chapter 6 of second Corinthians, Paul tells us to avoid unbelievers, to separate from them, and I have wondered about that statement. 

And the only thing I can really reconcile in my mind is that I have a very limited understanding of what or who is an unbeliever. 

Case in point: I am certain that I read a quote from noted atheist Bill Maher in which he said "I believe in love". Paul says God is Love. Does that make Maher a believer.

I don't know. But what I do know is this: my knowledge of others can no longer be based on their outward lives, I must be willing to see beneath the veneer of the present, and see those around me as God sees them: His children: prodigal and all. 

Amen.

Assuming

Job 3-9

As I am reading this selection of chapters, it seems to me that Job (and his friends) are assuming a lot of things about God, and the way the world works. One friend (Bildad, I think) seems to think that Job is being punished - and his children - because they are wicked.

But the beginning of the book denies that line of thought. God did not punish Job. It wasn't about his sin, or any sin.

How often do we assume things, and how easy is it, especially when in pain, and how much trouble we would avoid, if we just admitted we didn't know, and leave it at that.

Amen.

One

Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one

Deuteronomy 6:4

Every day seems to test my love for God. Do I really love him with all my heart and soul and mind? Nope. The setbacks, the loss of friendships, being ignored by others, it all tests whether or not God really is enough. It is hard to realize that he isn't. That most of my life revolves around the things I own, the people I know, and the activities I engage in.

And it is a burning process.

Amen.

Thy Will

nevertheless not My will, but Yours, be done

Luke 22:42

It is dawning on me that Christianity isn't so much about doctrines, as it is surrendering what I want, hope for, expect, desire, and letting God show me what He needs done. It seems to me more and more that God isn't kidding when he says "I am the Lord your God." He is a King.

And as an American I hate kings, and yet, I think that if I am ever to see His face, to be honored among people: I must learn to put my will away; to simple be willing to learn, ever to learn.

Amen.