Ending the Beginning

The end of a matter is better than its beginning

Ecclesiastes 7:8

I read this and balked at first. My mind then went to friendships, or loves. Mostly because I think one is ending, and I find myself strangely content, or settled about it.

I think it is because I know what it was, and that it is over, or close to it. At the beginning of the friendship I was full of questions: What will it be? How long will it last? When will we do something?

Ambiguity is really hard for me, I want to know and I am learning that knowing is only something you get after it is all over.

Amen.

I love....

Whoever loves money never has enough

Ecclesiastes 5:10

I have been listening to a podcast about the 7 deadly sins. And today I listened to greed. This was one of the teaching texts, and it made me think about greed in my life.

The word apparently comes from the latin word for coveting. When I looked at my life, I can see that I covet things that are strictly material: things like attention. It made me stop and think about the greed in my life that isn't so obvious since I typically don't run after material things.

Amen.

Testing...Testing

Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves

2 Corinthians 13:5

At bible study we had been working our way through 2 Corinthians, and neared the end. The facilitator, Jim, told us that most commentators felt chapters 10-13 were a repetition of the first chapters, so we skimmed them.

But our discussion did land on this particular verse (among others) about testing yourself. Although I could not have said is so clearly in the past, I like the fact that the main focus of the New Testament seems to be about the transformation of the individual.

That is acknowledges that "we" are the ones that need to change, or repent. I know I am more than willing to request, or require, the change of those around me. Its easy to do that. It is harder, and much more satisfying for me in the long run, to realize, and to participate in, that change in me.

Then I wondered well, what is the test, how do I examine myself, how do I know if Christ is in me? The previous session Jim had handed out this bible verse:

the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

Galatians 5:22-23

Now I just have remember fruit doesn't grow overnight, may I be righteously patient.

Amen.

Knock Knock

 Listen! My beloved is knocking: Open to me

Song of Solomon 5:2

This whole chapter is about a lover and the beloved. Someone reaching out to another person, and the other person, at least initially, not really wanting to make the connection. The beloved doesn't want to get out of bed, doesn't want to get dressed, and doesn't want to walk on a cold floor to meet the loved.

WOW, talk about love.

Over the weekend I was reading some material about co-dependency. A term originally applied to the families of alcoholics, but has since been applied more liberally. I like the casual definition I found on the WebMD site: It's kind of a weird phrase, and it doesn't sound like it means a one-sided relationship. But that's what it is. It means you're trying to make the relationship work with someone else who's not.

Solomon's story seems to hit on that to a degree.

And of course I think this happens in every relationship. Because of illness or life events, often one person is required to give more, for the moment, than the other.

For me, the wisdom is in learning when something is temporary or "permanent" and having the grace to avoid one sided relationships, something I am not very good at.

Amen.

Confession

 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

1 John 1:9

As a non catholic believer, I have had very little use for confession. Any kind really, even out loud to God. This is due in no small part to the absolute guilt I was encouraged to feel at every failure. Especially the failures that my particular Christian sect (Adventist) had decided were the worst (Sabbath Breaking, Eating Meat, Being Human).

And I think that is the problem with SIN!!! As Christians we have spent so much time demonizing sin (is that even possible) to the point where I know I am afraid to confess it.

And yet, if I don't confess it: name it, call it out; as failure to do what I know we ought to, am I not just strengthening my propensity to do it even further? I think so.

Call it what it is, and no doubt eventually it will seem repugnant. Holiness is a life time venture.

Amen.

Wicked Ways

Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts:

And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

Psalm 139:23-24

This describes the last 6 months or so, perfectly. And it makes me mad. I want everyone else to change, especially in response to my actions. I want to know they value me like I value them. But if that is my reason for loving and honoring others, then it is wicked. It is manipulative, and it is the road that leads to bitterness.

I am more and more amazed at how Jesus makes the point that it is the motivations that God focuses on. WHY are you doing this? seems to be the question, and I find it searching my heart, and revealing some rather ugly facts about me. The fact that I only love and respect others in order to get love and respect. How revolting.

I hate Christianity, it calls me to be a better person, it demands I love and honor and respect others never expecting it in return. This is even more galling to me when I have to deal with people who seem to give me no thought at all.

In it all, I think God is asking me: Am I ~ alone ~ enough for thee?

And He isn't, not yet.

Amen.

Value Subtracted

Are you not much more valuable than they?

Matthew 6:26

This verse hit me the other day. I had never thought that some of my problem is the fact that I do not really believe I am valuable. That I have value. At least to those beyond my very immediate family (ie Mom and Dad). I struggle with this thought even with my wife.

In college my favorite word was "iconoclast". Which is idol crusher. I was going to prove to others they had a reason to hate me. And I was successful.

For the last 2 years God has been crushing my idol of selfworship. He's shown me that what I wanted from others was not grounded in Reality. People do value me, just not in the way I want.

Idols are not idle, they die hard.

Amen.