Wicked Ways

Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts:

And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

Psalm 139:23-24

This describes the last 6 months or so, perfectly. And it makes me mad. I want everyone else to change, especially in response to my actions. I want to know they value me like I value them. But if that is my reason for loving and honoring others, then it is wicked. It is manipulative, and it is the road that leads to bitterness.

I am more and more amazed at how Jesus makes the point that it is the motivations that God focuses on. WHY are you doing this? seems to be the question, and I find it searching my heart, and revealing some rather ugly facts about me. The fact that I only love and respect others in order to get love and respect. How revolting.

I hate Christianity, it calls me to be a better person, it demands I love and honor and respect others never expecting it in return. This is even more galling to me when I have to deal with people who seem to give me no thought at all.

In it all, I think God is asking me: Am I ~ alone ~ enough for thee?

And He isn't, not yet.

Amen.